Anchor
by kanmuri
Summary: Minato finds Kakashi the day that Rin dies, and wonders if he's so different from his father, after all. MinaKaka, NC-17.


Title: Anchor (In the End)

Disclaimer: One of these days Kakashi is going to cut the inner monologue and get his ass back to reality.

Pairing/s: MinaKaka

Summary: "I forgive you."

* * *

It was Minato who found him, in the end.

The Hokage's heart was thudding so loudly in his chest he thought it might break free and run along with him, flinging from tree to tree in somersaults and dives across the bark. He couldn't imagine not running. But he was too late, again, and he could feel it like lead in the pit of his stomach. He was too late. Too fucking late.

They'd told him the mission had failed. They'd told them the girl had been taken out, and the boy, too. And Minato was running because he couldn't be too late, not again, not this time, and because he couldn't break another promise. A lifetime of broken promises was enough, wasn't it?

He ran and he ran and he ran, and finally, he found them. Rin's body had a wide, gaping hole through it-a hole that Minato recognized with dread tugging at the weight in his stomach. But he didn't dwell on it, simply left Rin to wash out in the rain. She was dead. He could take his time with her.

Where was Kakashi?

_Dead_, a voice whispered in his mind, and he slammed it out with a bang.

Kakashi.

It was Minato who found the world's youngest Jounin, half-drowning in a pool of his own blood. Kakashi lay limp, face buried in a sea of red, shallow breaths wracking his thin frame. His skin was cold to the touch. If Minato hadn't felt a faint pulse pumping through the veins in Kakashi's wrist, he might have taken him for dead. Cold from the rain, from shock, from the reddened water he was laying in.

_Chakra burnout_, Minato realized with concern. The pathways were frazzled-that, too, had caused the cold. No more chakra flowing beneath the skin. And-faint horror curling beneath his lungs at the sudden understanding-if he had been here just a little later, the lack of warm chakra could have very well killed Kakashi.

Minato looked out at the bodies littering the hard, red dirt. So much blood. So much of it Kakashi's.

He stooped to pick up the boy with infinite gentleness. Kakashi was frighteningly light for a boy of his age, no matter how slight. Minato hadn't noticed how much weight he'd lost since Obito died.

No, that wasn't quite right. He hadn't wanted to notice.

"I don't know what happened here, Kakashi," Minato murmured softly. "You can tell me in your own time, I guess."

Kakashi stirred slightly. Minato thought he felt the thin arms wrap around his neck a little tighter.

* * *

He carried him to the village by piggy-back the rest of the way. He wasn't sure, but he thought Kakashi had woken up about half-way there-then passed out again, limp and heavy against his back.

He didn't go directly to the Hokage's office. _His_ office, he guessed. The advisors would be mad, but what could they do to him that would make him feel any worse than he already did?

In the end, he went home.

Kushina was out on a mission and wouldn't be back for a few days. Minato wasn't sure if he was happy about that or not. For all Kushina and Kakashi had bickered, he knew his wife truly cared about the little orphan boy they'd seemed to have adopted somewhere along the way, and he also knew she would be so much stronger than him right now. But she wasn't here. And Minato wasn't strong, not even a little.

He carefully shed Kakashi of his damp, blood-stained clothes, and laid him out on the bed. Every inch of the kid's body was bruised or scarred in some way. Minato found himself filled with anger at every little indent of skin. No other kid would be this wounded. And for every new scar Minato could find, there were about four old ones hidden beneath.

Lastly, Minato removed the mask.

He sometimes forgot how very_ young_ Kakashi was. With the hooded dark eyes and serious, graven expression, it was very easy to ignore the fact that Kakashi was just barely fourteen-and Kakashi himself did little to help the cause. But on those very rare occasions that Minato was allowed to see his student's face, the reality hit him hard in the gut.

Kakashi was so very, very young.

He was young, yet even in sleep, nothing about Kakashi was peaceful. Every line in his body was tensed and ready for attack. His eyes flickered beneath the lids, darting back and forth like he was in battle. His lips worked and his eyebrows narrowed, but he didn't make any sound save for the hash breathing that rattled in his chest.

He was young. He was a soldier. He was scarred in ways Minato was too scared to touch.

Minato wondered why things always had to be like this.

His greatest fear was that one day Kakashi wouldn't come back. No, that was wrong. His greatest fear was that Kakashi wouldn't _want_ to come back. That one day Kakashi would go out on a mission and never return, not because he was defeated or captured but simply because the pain had grown too great to live with any longer.

His greatest fear was that Kakashi was his father's son in more ways than his appearance.

Minato hated himself for that.

Blood was crusted and dried all over Kakashi's skin, mixed with mud and various toxins Minato couldn't quite recognize. He needed to be cleaned. Slowly, carefully, Minato carried Kakashi to the small washroom at the end of the hall and ran the bath water.

He put Kakashi in the bath when the tub was about a quarter full. He hadn't meant to, but the water was steaming with heat, and maybe that was okay because Kakashi was so cold anyway; he probably needed the warmth. Once he was sure Kakashi could sit upright on his own, he turned the tap on again and watched the water spill over Kakashi's thighs.

The smell of blood and sweat and dirt and old smoke filled the small room. Minato stood and reached for the door to the bath shelf. About ten thousand bottles stood there, all half-finished and sticky.

Minato sighed. He didn't think his usual body wash would been enough. Kushina would know what to do here, way more than he did.

His fingers curled around some rose-scented bubble bath and shower gel and shampoo. That should probably be okay, he thought.

Unceremoniously, he dumped a load of the bubble bath in and let the bubbles crowd the tiny tub. He was just about to go for the shampoo when he noticed another bottle out of the corner of his eye. It wasn't filled with liquid like the others were. No, he recalled faintly, Kushina used those sometimes after a long, hard mission. Bath crystals. Rose-scented, like the bubble bath. They'd probably come from the same package.

Minato raised his eyebrows. Shrugged. They probably couldn't hurt.

Half a bottle of bath crystals later, the stench had all but disappeared, and Minato was up to his elbows in pleasant-smelling bubbles. He scrubbed the washcloth over Kakashi's arms and chest, wiping away the dirt and blood as though it had never even happened.

He saw Kakashi's eyes drift open when he swiped the cloth around the boy's neck.

"Sensei?" Kakashi whispered hoarsely.

Minato nodded. He let his hand slide up from Kakashi's neck to his cheek. "I'm here," he said. "I'm here, Kakashi."

Kakashi's head bowed in acknowledgement. After a moment, the thin, raspy voice spoke again. "Where-?"

"My house," replied Minato. "Kushina's away. It's alright."

"Rin-"

Minato swallowed. "I'm sorry, Kakashi. I'm so, so sorry." The words were hollow in his throat. Dried out. He'd said them so many times before. He wished to throw them away and never say them again.

Kakashi only nodded and stared vacantly at the tap that was dripping water onto his toes.

"Me, too," he muttered at last.

Minato wondered if he would cry.

He didn't expect so. He'd known Kakashi for so long, and even when his mother died, even when he found his father's body lying on the dojo floor, even when Obito had been killed and it was all Kakashi's fault, never once had he cried. Minato wasn't sure if was strength or fear that held Kakashi in check. Maybe a mix of both.

Minato was very scared right now.

He moved to Kakashi's hair without comment. His fingers tangled in the suds and the wispy locks, and Kakashi closed his eyes at the feeling. Minato stopped, uncertain.

It took a moment for him to realize Kakashi was speaking again. "Please," he was saying faintly. "Please... keep doing that."

It was funny. Minato loved to ruffle Kakashi's hair-a not-so-secret-pleasure, the childish glee of messing up something so orderly. But Kakashi always ducked away with a scowl. Minato had never considered that the boy might enjoy it just as much.

He continued to rub his fingers against Kakashi's scalp, slow and gentle. After a time, he moved back down to Kakashi's arms.

Finally, he said, "Do you want to talk about it?" in a voice that was quiet enough to be ignored if Kakashi wanted to.

Kakashi shook violently.

"Whoa, Kakashi, whoa!" Minato exclaimed, and grabbed Kakashi rough by the arms. "Calm down! Calm down!"

Kakashi continued to convulse, eyes rolling back in his head.

Was this part of the chakra burnout?

No, something psychological. Minato wracked his brain for anything he might remember from his Jounin training about reactions to severe emotional stress.

An anchor. Kakashi needed something to hold him to this world.

Without thinking, Minato reached into the tub and pressed his forehead to Kakashi's. "Come on, Kakashi," he muttered. "Stay with me, stay with me."

Slowly, Kakashi's tremors faded. His fingers dug hard into Minato's arms. "Sensei," he whispered, his voice shaking. "I-"

"It's okay, Kakashi," Minato said quietly. "You're okay. Stay with me."

Kakashi nodded, still faintly vibrating under Minato's hands. After a moment, he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Minato shook his head. "You're okay, kid, that's all I care about. Just as long as you're okay."

"You don't understand-"

"I _do_." Minato didn't lighten his grip. "I do, Kakashi."

"I'm not talking about-"

"I saw her just as clear as you did."

Kakashi began to shake again, and for a moment Minato was worried-then he saw the redness in the boy's eyes. "No, you don't understand," Kakashi whispered harshly. "You don't, you don't, you don't-"

"I'm telling you I _do_."

"_I killed her!_"

Minato froze.

Kakashi swung away. "I killed her," he repeated in a broken voice. "I stabbed her. I put my hand right through her heart and I fucking _killed her_, so don't tell me you understand."

And Minato... Minato didn't know what to say. What do you say to that? 'It's alright, I know you didn't'-but Kakashi had. It wasn't like those times when Kushina complained of being fat and Minato promised she wasn't. Kakashi had actually killed Rin. Minato had seen that hole in Rin's chest. Kakashi had killed her, and nothing would change that fact, ever.

Minato had always been a quiet man. He was quiet and shy and not so good with words. He'd become Hokage more for his skills and quick thinking and less because he could make speeches and inspire people. He wasn't good at that. Never would be, no matter how much public speaking he had to do. But he loved Kakashi like his own son and nothing could change that, either.

Minato didn't know what to say. So he did what he did know how to do, and pulled Kakashi tight to him.

In the end, he didn't need to say anything at all.

Kakashi didn't sob, didn't cry. He just shook in Minato's arms and bit his lip till blood ran down his chin. "I killed her," he said over and over again. "I killed her, sensei."

"I know," was all Minato could think to say. And, quieter: "I forgive you."

It wasn't _his_ forgiveness Kakashi needed; Minato knew that. But Kakashi needed forgiveness from someone who was already dead. A lot of people who were already dead. And Minato knew that he would join that list soon enough.

So, like a breath of wind in Kakashi's ears, he also whispered, "Obito forgives you, too."

He didn't even think to resist when Kakashi's hands trailed from his arms to his chest, and then even lower than that. He didn't think about Kushina or the Elders or anyone other than the silver-haired boy with the sad eyes and the scarred skin in front of him. He didn't think about them because he knew that for Kakashi, it was either this or breaking apart entirely.

He ran his hands through Kakashi's hair again, and Kakashi leaned into the touch. "I-"

"It's okay, Kakashi," Minato said softly. "I've been there. I'll take care of you."

Anchor, huh? Minato could remember shaking on the battlefield, and reaching for his commander's soft hands. She hadn't been much older than him, and he'd felt horrible later. But he'd needed something to ground him, something to hold him to this world, and she had been it.

Right now, Kakashi was drifting away from him. And he would have done anything-_anything_-to keep him from not coming back.

"Could you..." Kakashi's voice was hesitant. "Could you take off your shirt?"

Minato complied without comment. But he gently moved Kakashi's hand away from his groin, ignoring Kakashi's little whine of disappointment. "This isn't for me, Kakashi-kun," he said simply. "This for you. Remember that, okay?"

Kakashi nodded. Swallowed hard. "Come in?" he requested.

Minato raised his eyebrows. The tub didn't look near big enough.

"I can't-I can't really move," Kakashi explained at Minato's look, a flush coming into his fair cheeks. Minato had forgotten how very expressive the boy's face was when he wasn't wearing the mask.

"Okay," Minato agreed. Standing, he slid out of his pants and stepped into the tub to help Kakashi up. "Do you want to leave?" he asked once the boy was upright, trying hard to ignore the fact that Kakashi was barely strong enough to stand. Kakashi shook his head mutely.

"I think I'd pass out," he confessed.

Minato frowned. Kakashi's voice was distant, idle. The fear of chakra burnout wasn't gone quite yet.

Then he followed the line of the dark grey eyes, and found himself quirking his lips in amusement. "No, I'm not taking off my underwear, Kakashi."

Kakashi managed a weak, sheepish grin. "I'm, uh, I'm sorry. I'm just... I wondered..."

"No." A slight sigh. "Okay." Then, cautious and soft, "Can I kiss you?"

Minato lowered his head and claimed the boy's lips with his own.

It was strange kissing someone other than Kushina. Kakashi's lips were wet and cold and shivering faintly beneath his, thin and so very small. And-inexperienced, Minato realized, not sure whether to be sad or anything other than completely unsurprised. Who would Kakashi had ever kissed, anyway? Rin? Certainly not Obito.

He decided he was sad; very, very sad, that a twenty-something teacher and almost-father-figure had been the one to steal Kakashi's first kiss.

But Kakashi didn't look sad. Kakashi looked... awed. Humbled. His eyes were bright and shining and said with every inch of his being, _how can I deserve this?_

Minato remembered Kushina pulling him aside once and telling him with ferventness, _"You know that kid's got the biggest crush on you, don't you?_"

_How can I deserve this?_ Kakashi's eyes were saying. And then Minato saw the lightness dim and the words speak even more clearly, _I don't deserve this._

Minato kissed Kakashi again.

And again and again, until the boy couldn't breathe beneath him, until the thin arms were shaking not with cold or shock or tears or anything other than heavy arousal. He kissed him until Kakashi was gasping for air, and then kissed him even more.

"You are the bravest, strongest, most beautiful person that I have ever known, Kakashi," Minato told him. And his words were truth.

Kakashi was scrawny and wiry and pale, and Minato could even see a zit or two forming on his forehead. He was young and very, very old, all at once. He lacked Kushina's clear skin and her warm smile and her soft curves. But he was beautiful. Outside, inside, everywhere. And as far as human souls go, his was the most beautiful of all.

Kakashi swallowed. Reached again for Minato's groin.

"No," Minato said. "This is for you, Kakashi. For once in your life, this thing is solely for you." And he slid his hand down Kakashi's chest slowly, lightly, listening to Kakashi moan at the touch.

He'd never given a handjob before, but he knew what he liked and he knew Kakashi probably wouldn't care much either way. So he began to finger the tip of Kakashi's cock, playing with it, stroking a thumb over the ridge.

Kakashi arched his back and put his hands on Minato's shoulders.

Minato drew back. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," whispered Kakashi hoarsely. "Please, do that again."

Slowly, Minato slid his fingers over Kakashi's cock.

To be honest, he wasn't quite sure what to do here. Should he keep on with this, or should he try taking Kakashi in his mouth? But there wasn't much room in here, so maybe that wouldn't work. Maybe...

"You're nervous," Kakashi stated suddenly. A brief, harsh laugh escaped his lips. "All the times I thought of you, I never imagined you'd be nervous."

Minato rolled his eyes. "I'm not the only nervous one, kid," he said, lifting one of Kakashi's trembling hands to prove his point. "And I'm nervous because I'm worried, mostly. I want you to be okay, Kakashi-kun."

Kakashi shook his head. "I'm not," he muttered. "I'm not okay. But I'm okay with not being okay."

Minato wanted to press him for that, but he didn't push. Kakashi wasn't one for words, either.

"What do you want, Kakashi?" he asked finally.

"I want..." Kakashi licked his lips. "I... I don't know."

_Because you've never been allowed to want,_ Minato finished bitterly. _You're fourteen and you've never wanted for yourself before. How sad is that?_

"You said you've thought of me, like this, before," said Minato aloud. "What did you think of?"

Kakashi's eyes lowered. "I thought..."-there was that blush again-"I thought of you inside me. I thought of _you_. I don't know," he concluded, his voice almost helpless. "I just want you."

Minato shook his head. "I'm not going to take you, Kakashi."

"Please," Kakashi begged.

"Kakashi-"

Kakashi grabbed Minato's hand and leaned in to the palm. "I need you. Please."

_Anchor_, thought Minato. The water swished around their ankles, cold now.

"Okay," he found himself saying. "Okay."

He hated himself. He hated himself.

He pulled Kakashi out of the tub, down the hallway, into the bedroom, and spread him out on the bed like before. Then he was working his way down Kakashi's lean chest, littering kisses on his skin from his neck to his collar bone. Kakashi writhed. Minato remembered that he'd been very, very ticklish as a child.

_Still a child now_, Minato thought, looking at the hairless skin. How was he going to do this?

It was Kakashi who said softly, "I can help."

Anchor.

He had to let Kakashi lead the way.

Kakashi's fingers were small around the hem of Minato's boxer-briefs. They slid the cloth down and wrapped around his cock. Kakashi kissed it almost reverently, eyes falling shut, lips pursing tight. Then he took Minato in his mouth.

Minato was going to go out on a limb here and assume Kakashi had never sucked dick. But he seemed to know all the right things to do-all the right swirls and strokes and suckles. He sucked Minato and if Minato closed his eyes, he could imagine Kakashi's soft lips and small mouth belonged to someone else entirely.

His commander had had silver hair, after all.

Minato could feel himself growing erect despite himself. Kakashi's eyes held satisfaction in them, and then that awe again.

Minato laughed off the uncomfortableness. "Hey, what's with that look?" he teased.

"Nothing," Kakashi said with an air of smugness. "You're just exactly how I imagined you."

This time, it was Minato who blushed.

He kissed Kakashi to hide it, pulling him up and pushing him back onto the bed. And he really was beautiful, now that Minato looked at him-beautiful in a broken way. His lips were red and swollen from his ministrations on Minato's cock, and his silver hair was mussed exactly like Minato liked it. And maybe Minato wondered at how suddenly comfortable he felt when he returned the favour, but all he could think of was the little whimpers Kakashi was making as he swallowed Kakashi whole.

Kakashi's hips bucked under his hands, as if saying, _more, more._ So Minato dragged his tongue on the underside of Kakashi's member and slid his hands up and down Kakashi's thighs.

"Please," Kakashi choked. "I'm ready, please."

It took Minato a moment to realize what he was asking for.

And another to realize he didn't know how to give it.

"Please," Kakashi was whispering, eyes flying open. "Please."

Minato drew a breath.

Left the bedroom.

It was probably the worst thing he could have ever done, looking back. But how could you tell a fourteen-year-old boy to lube up? It was something you'd say to a comrade in ANBU, not a kid you'd taught since he was six.

"Where are you going?" Kakashi's frantic voice chased him down the hallway. The words sounded a lot more like, _don't leave me._

_Everyone leaves me._

"I'll be right back," Minato called in what he hope was a reassuring tone.

_Shit,_ he thought.

He reached the bathroom just in time to get violently sick in the toilet. Shit, shit, shit, what was he doing? He couldn't just leave Kakashi there. He couldn't just-

He stood up and turned on the sink tap, splashing cold water onto his face. What the _hell_ was he doing? This was wrong, this was so wrong. It wasn't as scary when he'd thought it was just a handjob, but this was so seriously messed up. He couldn't do this.

He had to tell Kakashi. He'd let the kid sleep here, maybe give him a few of Kushina's weird porno books. Then he'd send him to the hospital in the morning.

And then-

What?

Minato frowned. How could he look Kakashi in the eye again? How could he look at him as sensei to student, how could he tell him to be brave when he really was a giant coward?

He'd send him home. And then... what?

Minato's hands fell absently to his still-erect cock. He thought of Kakashi's little whimpers and moans, and closed his eyes. His member pulsed painfully in his hands.

Sakumo had abandoned Kakashi. He'd left a seven-year-old boy all alone to fend for himself in a world that hated him.

How could he make Kakashi go through that again?

Minato thought of the sad grey eyes. He thought of the tousled silver hair, and the flush in his cheeks.

And determinedly, he reached for the lube.

When he returned, Kakashi was laying just as he'd left him. Minato wondered if becoming a chuunin at six was what had taught Kakashi to be so still and patient all the time. He decided he didn't like that idea and tossed it out the window with feeling.

"I thought you weren't coming back," Kakashi said tonelessly.

Minato managed a cheeky grin. "I'm not taking you dry, Kakashi," he told him in a serious voice.

Kakashi's eyes widened. "What do you-"

"I really should give you some of Kushina's freaky porn books," Minato muttered, and then added gently, "I need you to turn over, 'Kashi-kun."

Kakashi nodded, eyes almost whole circles.

Here was something Minato was a little more familiar with. Kushina liked taking it from behind, though Minato had never been entirely comfortable with the idea. But he knew what to do, and as he slicked the slippery lubricant over his fingertips, he felt himself relaxing slightly.

"Kakashi, this might hurt a little," he warned.

Kakashi just nodded stiffly.

Slowly, Minato slid one finger into Kakashi's small entrance. Kakashi jerked under his hands. Minato swallowed. That was one finger. How were they going to do this?

Biting his lip, he slid the finger out, and then back in again. Again and again until Kakashi lay still under the pressure. Two now. In and out. He could feel Kakashi wincing.

"If it hurts, I'll stop," Minato said.

He wasn't sure, but he thought Kakashi might be rolling his eyes. "Sensei," the boy replied, "I'm a Jounin at fourteen. I've been training with you since I was six. I've been in a war. I think I can take a little pain."

Minato frowned uneasily, but added the third finger.

It seemed to be going like before, but all of a sudden Kakashi bucked forward and gasped loudly.

"Kakashi?" Minato wondered with concern. "Kakashi, are you okay?"

"Mmph," came the eloquent reply. Then, breathlessly, "Do that again."

Minato cocked his head. Smiled a little.

Slid the fingers in easily.

"Ah!" shouted Kakashi. "Oh, ah. Oh."

"Painful?"

"Gods, no," managed Kakashi. "You asshole."

After a few more slides (and a few more moans), Kakashi decided he was ready.

"Are you sure," Minato asked, unwittingly stroking Kakashi's balls with an idle finger. "Absolutely, completely positive. You're not sucking it up? This is supposed to feel good, Kakashi."

Kakashi's face twisted at the touch. "Uh, yeah," he answered, and Minato could tell he was losing his train of thought. Quickly, Minato snapped back his hand. Surer now, Kakashi replied with confidence, "I'm ready."

Minato drew a deep breath and slid lube down his cock. He bit back a little moan at the feeling. Kushina had always teased him about how sensitive he was. It would probably be a little embarrassing to reveal that to his student.

"Okay," he whispered, and slowly pressed at Kakashi's entrance.

"Holy shit," was all Kakashi had to say. "You're huge."

He wasn't that big, but then again, he'd never tried taking a dick up his ass, either, so he refrained from saying anything. "I'll stop if you want me to," he reminded. But then Kakashi moaned and Minato had to squeeze his eyes shut at the sound. _Okay_, he thought, _this is going to be a little harder than I thought._

Inside his head, Kushina snickered at a crude joke.

He pushed his way in, listening to Kakashi's little grunts and quick breaths. It took him two tries until he found the spot again. Kakashi, who was facing the headboard with his hands pressed again the bed, nearly collapsed.

"Again," he ordered.

Minato slid out, and in again, following Kakashi's commands as strictly as possible. Kakashi began to move back with him, and forward, panting with the effort. An idea occurring to him, Minato suddenly reached around and took hold of Kakashi's cock.

"Shh," he said at Kakashi's muffled surprise. "Just trust me."

After that, he lost himself. Whether it was those noises Kakashi kept making, or the feeling of himself in Kakashi's ass, he couldn't tell apart what made him _fall_ apart. He gripped Kakashi's cock and slid up and down, Kakashi whining and moaning and Minato moaning, too, in and out until he couldn't remember his own name. He kissed Kakashi's neck and tasted the sweat and the roses from the bubble bath on his tongue.

"Oh, God," he whispered. "Oh, Kakashi."

He fucked Kakashi hard into the mattress again and again, feeling the tightness of his student's ass wrap around his cock, feeling Kakashi jerk back into him. It was Kakashi came came first, finally shouting out and spilling his seed into Minato's hands-but Minato was a close second.

For a long moment afterwards, they just lay there breathlessly, glued together by the stickiness of Minato's come.

"Kakashi," said Minato finally, when the world had spun back into focus. "You are going to need another bath."

Kakashi shook roughly in his arms. At first, Minato thought he was laughing.

It only took an instant to understand otherwise.

_Kakashi was crying_.

Or rather, he was on the verge of it, and all of a sudden Minato knew what Kakashi had been looking for when he'd first reached for his twenty-three-year-old sensei. _Release_, like sailing into the ocean in the middle of a storm and screaming at the top of your lungs, and finally needing an anchor to hold you down.

Minato held Kakashi tight, and for the second time that night, he whispered, "Obito forgives you."

And he watched Kakashi came undone in his hands.

The ANBU soldier wept like an infant, lost and alone, great sobs wracking their way down his thin spine. He cried like the child he was, and Minato thought it wouldn't have mattered if he were wearing the mask or not-for the first time, Kakashi sounded as young as he looked.

"I'm sorry," he was whispering. "I'm so, so fucking sorry."

"I know," Minato said back, but he knew Kakashi wasn't talking to him.

"I'm so, so, fucking sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Minato swallowed Kakashi's sobs with a kiss, and pulled his head against his shoulders. "I know, Kakashi, I know," he said. "But I forgive you. Obito forgives you. And Kakashi?"

Kakashi looked up, eyes red-rimmed and puffy like a four-year-old boy.

"Rin forgives you, too."

* * *

Four months later, Minato became a father for the first time.

An hour after that, he gave his life for his newborn son.

And Kakashi was alone again.

The silver-haired ANBU walked through the field where Minato had sealed himself and Kushina inside their baby boy. Kakashi had been the first one to break into a run, the first one to reach the area once his sensei was good and gone.

It was Kakashi who had found the infant Naruto.

Kakashi wanted to be angry at that baby. He wanted to be angry like everyone else in the damn village. He wanted to hate Naruto, and he wanted to want to kill Naruto. But no matter how hard he tried, inside he was lifeless, tired, dead.

And so he walked through the empty, blood-stained field, and threw his sensei's kunai into the open air.

"_You throw this thing, and I'll always come,_" Minato had told him once, hand heavy and warm on his shoulder.

But no matter how many times Kakashi threw the kunai, Minato never appeared.

It was the Third Hokage who found Kakashi, the kunai aimed directly at his heart. It was the Third Hokage who held Kakashi's hand firmly and pulled him into a hard embrace. It was the Third Hokage who asked, "What were you thinking child?" and it was the Third Hokage whose eyes grew heavy and sad when Kakashi replied quietly, "I was thinking of never coming back."

"I am sorry, Kakashi-kun," the Third murmured, and held him all the tighter.

Kakashi didn't cry. The only person who had ever seen him cry since he was an infant was gone now, and that secret along with him. But his voice did quaver a little when he said, "It was suicide, wasn't it."

He could feel the Third blinking into his shoulder. "Pardon me?"

"Suicide," Kakashi repeated tonelessly. "He didn't have to do it. Kushina-san could have sealed the Kyuubi into herself and died with it. Right?"

The Third nodded, obviously uneasy with Kakashi's reasoning. "I suppose so, yes."

Kakashi let out a breath.

"He killed himself."

"Yes."

"_Dammit_."

Kakashi wanted to punch someone. He wanted to grab that kunai straight out of the Third's hands and plunge it into his gut, like his father had before him.

_No_, a little voice said inside him,_ into your heart. Maybe he'll appear then. Maybe if you throw it there, he'll be in your heart again_.

"He killed himself," Kakashi whispered raggedly. "He left me alone, just like my dad, all for that stupid fucking brat. He left me alone. He-he-"

The Third's hands loosened their grip around Kakashi's shoulders. "You're right," he said after a moment. Kakashi blinked.

"What?"

"You're right," the Third said again. "He killed himself. He killed himself to save his _son_."

Kakashi frowned at how the Third emphasized the word. Then his eyes widened.

"He loved you, too, you know."

"I-"

"Kakashi."

Kakashi froze at the sternness in the elder's voice.

The Third's craggy old lips turned up in a small smile, and he reached into his cloak to pull out something small and green. "Kushina left you this. I don't know if it'll have any meaning to you-I wasn't so sure I wanted to give it to you at all-but I figure she must have known what she was doing. So take it. And oh," the Third added with a wink, "pleasant reading."

He left, then, and Kakashi was again alone in the wide open field.

He stared down at the book. "Icha Icha Paradise," the cover read.

Cautiously, Kakashi opened the book.

_Hey, brat,_

_I heard you had an incident with my husband. I'm unbelievably pissed. Better watch your back, you little pipsqueak. But I also don't blame you, because he's smokin'. Anyway, I thought instead of fucking other people's husbands, you might interest yourself in some light reading once in awhile. Maybe learn the importance of lube or something. And lighten up a little, okay? I mean it's obviously not all rainbows and roses out here, but there are some things to be enjoyed. (Except for my husband, he's off-limits from now on.) But have fun, stay far away from my future children, and make the both of us proud._

_ And don't touch my husband._

_ - Kushina_

These were the words scrawled hastily in Uzumaki Kushina's handwriting on the inside of the cover.

Kakashi felt a faint blush tip the ends of his ears. And then he thought of the squalling baby boy he'd found out in an open field, and how much it sucked to be abandoned, and how much he really, really disliked Kushina sometimes.

Stay far away from their kids? Yeah, he could probably do that. He wouldn't want to be around little Uzumakis anyway.

A little ways away, Kakashi saw his sensei's kunai lying in the grass, the Third apparently having dropped it on his way back to village. Slowly, Kakashi approached it, and picked it up with infinite gentleness, cradling it like he might his own child. Who knew? Maybe it would actually prove useful sometime in the future.

It was Kakashi who had lost Minato on the tenth of October just outside the village of Konoha.

Nearly seventeen years later, it's Kakashi who finds Minato again.

* * *

owari


End file.
